Roles

Currently I split my days in half--the morning being a student and the afternoon being a teacher. I sit down, as diligently as possible, in the mornings with my cup of coffee in hand waiting to be told what to learn, what to grasp, and what to research for the day. As I complete these tasks, I find myself reading into the assignments more and trying to see the professors' views. What is the purpose of this? What standard is this fulfilling? Are they looking for what we know or what we've learned? These questions continue as I seek to not only be satisfied with the answers my mind embraces, but also to seek to learn the content...not just the professor. In the afternoon as I transfer roles to the teacher and begin to write curriculum for the upcoming year, I find myself stuck. What am doing? Why am I not planning lessons on self-esteem issues and the challenges they are facing? Why am I not creating an environment for them to share their hearts instead of their worksheets. I find myself in this "in-between" awkward stage of teacher and student. English and counseling. I've struggled pursuing them both with the same assiduousness. As if the pursuit of one is at the sacrifice of the other.

What I'm beginning to realize is that there is purpose in each step. I know that I love teaching. I love the investment in the students and I love literature. There's a peace about me when I'm active in both. However, I also am confident that God has prodded at my heart toward counseling and widely opened doors for these opportunities. Through struggles in life, He has been preparing me for this. It was through my teaching that I recognized this. It is through my constant reading and understanding and writing that I have come to heal in a way that is more personal than I imagined. Although it may be difficult for me to sit here and wait and process and wait and study and wait and teach and wait...I must embrace the steps and the pieces that are being so delicately placed together. I have a friend that is amidst a change in life that requires some risk taking, confidence, surrender to the unknown, and waiting. At the end, this opportunity holds incredible growth for him and those he encounters, hope for those they encounter, and delicate lives changed. The end result is so clear and evident, but how broken is the road that leads up to that. I quickly assured him that much like this, a road begins with the broken pieces of gravel that must slowly embed themselves and broken more to become the end product. How true is that not only in his situation and mine, but all of ours. We must remember that everything begins in pieces and to truly appreciate the end result, we must be patient along the journey. A sermon I heard recently talked about how the greatest thing we can give to God is our will. Our will. It includes our moments of waiting, of confusion, of loss, of joy, etc. Our will allows Him to be in control of the pieces and the end result.

I want to live in a way that doesn't need to know the worries or the plans of tomorrow because my will and my ways belong to the Lord today.