This past month has been one that has left me in a state of “unsettledness”…feeling discontent.
On my decision to go back and get my Masters degree, I did the formal approach to my school and filled out the paper work for them to honor my hours in order to move over in the pay scale. Although I thought this would be a simple 2 step—I sign, they sign—process, I was surprised to be denied my initial request. According to our contract, my Masters needs to be toward my curriculum area (even though they are not paying for it…just honoring my credits) as stated in our last contract. This is the first year for it so they are holding firm to their requirement. I was given the option of taking this before the school board to convince them on how although a counseling degree doesn’t support my degree in English, it does in fact support the education world and would be applicable in the classroom. Having to do this brought up a lot of emotions of anger, fear, frustration, and doubt. What if they say no? I can’t stay here…but where will I go? What is holding me here in the first place? And the questions continued. After a weekend of preparation, I went before the board and pleaded my case. By this time, my heart felt numb. The next day when I heard they had accepted my request in my mind, I was thrilled and relieved, but my heart was almost let down. Since I questioned what I would do, my heart has not been content. It is lacking the peace it once had.
This whole situation has brought about conversations and prayers that were both encouraging and eye opening. I live with two incredible roommates; however, during my time of questioning my future…their future plans became more concrete. One plans to be married this summer and the other will be done with residency in a year and will be moving for post-residency work. As I listened to their confidence and direction in their plans, my “strong footing” in where I was and my plans wavered. I thought about my career that had slowly been showing problems and I had been facing frustrations, I thought about my friend group that seemed to be dwindling as people were beginning to move on with their lives, and I thought about my family that I didn’t get too see often. What were the benefits of living here? Acknowledging those doubts made my heart long for the familiar, for my past. A good friend of mine has had the same feelings of doubt and feelings of being unsettled. Talking about how we are longing for our “Egypt”. How, like the Israelites, we always long for what we knew—even though sometimes those places were in captivity. Why do our eyes and hearts turn to that place of captivity, complacency, test after test, after God has delivered us from it all?
I think this period of doubt and distance stems from more than just my questioning of my job. These weeks of absolute sadness in my heart and separation was a burden to me. For someone who is a self-reflector, I was not able to figure it out…which led to even more constant heartache. Through our journey group, we are studying Esther. This past week we were in chapter 2 when she calls her people (fellow Jews) into a time of fasting before heading in to meet with King Xerxes. This incident is referenced to Joel 2:12-14 “ ‘Yet even now,’ declares the LORD, ‘return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments.’ Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love…” This caught my attention because one of my goals for this year even was to fast at least once every six months. After our journey group on Wednesday and that reflection on Esther and Joel, I felt prompted to initiate that goal and rend my heart over to God in fasting and in prayer. So today, Sunday, I am doing so. This morning before church and this afternoon were spent reading and processing in hopes to see God’s direction…to see what corner I missed the turn on, the opportunity I failed to grasp. I was sure that this feeling weighing heavy on my heart was a drastic change in my life. Maybe I am to move to Chicago or Denver…maybe counseling isn’t my thing. Today was the day I was going to hear that answer. And if I was lucky, maybe I’d get some neon signs lighting my way.
Just as God has proven me wrong many times in the past, He opened my eyes to a different perspective to my time in this “desert”.
I’ve realized that in this time of separation, I have been mourning this opportunity I felt I had missed…a change that I didn’t pick up and run with. Instead of diligently seeking the Lord, I allowed my burdened heart to fester in its doubt and defeat. I failed to be an advocate for my heart and my relationship with Christ when a time of detachment came. With Esther as my model, we are called to rend our hearts…to tear them up and return to Him with everything we are, and although we can’t…God gives us grace. So we are called to seek that grace. We have these times and trials of separation because we, too often, need to remember that we have not risen above His grace or our need for it. Our humility is more important to God than our comfort. And to help us through that…He has provided His grace:
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
All this to say, I did not receive neon signs indicating a job change…nor did I hear a booming voice discrediting the direction of my counseling degree. What I did find was that to rend my heart means a full sacrifice. Not just wallowing in my despair, but making myself vulnerable to the realization and need of grace in my life. I’m ending today with a slightly hungry stomach, but for the first time in a long time…a satisfied heart.
