Expectations.

Expectations.  My expectation for myself when beginning this blog was to keep a regular update of the happenings in my life.  Just as too often in life, I failed to meet those expectations.  Luckily for all of us, there is something called grace.  Something I have learned so much about in the past 5 years of my life…and even more recently in the past 4 months.  To echo one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott: “I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us."

 

My year of teaching began differently than expected.  I walked into my classroom with more confidence than I had left with the year before.  However, I was greeted with different students, different behaviors, different coworkers, and different challenges.  Without volleyball to worry about, I approached this school year with the idea of perfection and ease.  Although having a more structured understanding of the curriculum, I had to deal with behavior issues and the attitudes of this class…something I was blessed to not struggle with last year.  I began getting frustrated and tired at the deficit I saw in the students this year compared to last year.  My comparison and biased attitude had dug this year’s students a hole that made it impossible to get out of.  I spent a lot of the beginning of this year complaining about teaching and not giving my students a chance to prove themselves.  Yes they were more challenging and not academically where the other students were—but is it not my job to present them with an opportunity to get to that point?  A few months into the year, my feet were taken out from under me without any warning.  As a staff, we were informed that an 8^th grade student (a student I had 2-3 times a day the year before) had committed suicide.  I was broken.  I didn’t even know how to begin to process.  Not only did I not know how to begin, I didn’t have the time to because it was my job to walk into the school and be the stronghold for 12-13 year olds who had the same questions I did.  It was my job to make school a normal environment for them to cope in. I came to school every morning at 7am and my room would fill with 7-10 8^th graders to reminisce their loved classmate.  In a week’s time, their visits dwindled.  And I was left to process.  During this time, God’s grace poured over me through my current students.  Their understanding and gentle hearts spoke volumes to my brokenness as a teacher.  It was during this time that I realized that although they may not reach the hopes I had for them academically, their compassion exceeded my expectations. And for that I am thankful.

 

This fall I also had plans to prepare and take my GRE before Christmas.  Amidst this dream, I met someone to fulfill what I saw as another dream.  God blessed me with an incredible relationship that taught me how to be pursued, loved, invested in, and taken care of.  I learned what it was like to have my heart in the hands of someone who loved the God I loved and who cherished the broken parts of my life because of where it has brought me.  Through this relationship, I had support in the death of my student, I was challenged in my career and in my spiritual life.  We have since gone our separate ways, but how evident is God’s grace and provision in my life because of it. "Man is born broken.  He lives by mending.  The grace of God is glue."  As crazy as it may sound, I believe God used this relationship as glue in my life.  As broken-hearted I may have felt/feel, it feels as though my heart has been revived and my hope renewed.  I hold my heart at higher value and my relationship with Christ more so than ever.  Weeks before this ended, several close friends and family asked me about the GRE and my plans for grad school—to which for the first time I acknowledged that I had completely dropped.   As this relationship closed, I literally felt God prodding me to stop making excuses and act on his calling for my life.  Thus, I am scheduled to take the GRE February 20^th and will hopefully be accepted into Adam’s State College in Colorado for a dual licensure in clinical and school counseling.

 

Again, I failed miserably at meeting the expectations I had for the near future, but I was met with the grace of God that turned that failure into his perfect provision and timing.  

And the countdown begins

T minus 8 days and counting! It's hard to believe looking back at my blog toward the beginning of the summer that I am now quickly approaching the start of a new school year...dragging my feet.  I know that the anticipation of the return will be much more difficult than the actual return, but regardless, I must get through both.  This week I met as a part of the Language Arts curriculum council to discuss K-12 curriculum and the new state standards.  It has definitely presented itself as more of a challenge than what I had initially thought.  Until the beginning of this week, school had been pushed into the back corners of my mind.  However, as I walked into the school I was confronted with the reality that I also have the responsibility of providing the new 7th grade LA teacher with the curriculum we cover, being on the teacher panel for the 1st year teachers, and putting my room together.  What throws a wrench in these things, is that I no longer live 3 minutes from the school.  The planning has to be a bit more intentional, but hopefully the commute will allow me to focus my mind and refresh me for the day.  I'm excited to get back into the routine of things, but again I know the process of that happening may be a bit painful.  Luckily for me, one of my roommates is also a teacher and will be needing to be ready and leave at the same time.  Maybe together we will find a little motivation somewhere.  

Speaking of roommates, it has helped tremendously to have them around during my down time.  It's something to look forward to at the end of the day instead of entering an empty apartment.  Already we have supported each other through struggles in other relationships, heartaches, fears, physical pains, and daily defeats.  Even the smallest of conversations and just the actual presence of others being around has influenced all three of us.  I'm excited to see how the dynamics and support continue as we begin leading a journey group (Bible study) in our home.  So many things to be looking forward to and watch evolve over the next few months.  

Another opportunity that has presented itself is graduate school.  I'd like to share a bit of my process and journey to this "idea".  In college, the idea of becoming a school counselor was always evident but more of something in the distant future.  Through certain life experiences, I felt as though it was position of influence that I could give back to, just as it had been done for me.  I've had several close people encourage me and reiterate the idea of my dream, but again it remained distant in my mind.  This past year when I've been asked about my future I always find myself saying that I see myself in counseling but I have never taken a step toward pursuing it.  In the following months of those conversations, I had a friend from Gallup ask me to take one of the strength tests so that he could practice in becoming a "strength's coach."  During the meeting discussing my results, he asked me if I had ever thought about becoming a counselor.  This spurred on more encouragement and seeds planted in my mind.  Still...no action on my part.  About a month ago, a college friend came down to visit and we had the opportunity to talk about where we are career wise and where we would like to be eventually.  Again, I shared my passion and desire to do counseling at some point in my life.  The next weekend, this friend came down again and had felt like God has placed me on their heart.  With more conversations they asked me how I felt like I was eventually being "called" into counseling.  To that I shared about past experiences and grace that had been present in my life through all of those things.  How I believe that God can bring us through so much and often that leads to being there for those who need help coming through the same fires.  I shared about how the encouragement comes through other people, sermons, etc. The next day, Sunday, the sermon was over grace and how so often God brings people through their own fires to pull other people through similar ones.  After that sermon, my friend approached me and told me they felt that echoed the conversation we had the day before and that I should pursue this idea of counseling.  This was the encouragement I needed, but still had fears of time, acceptance, ability, etc.  On Monday morning I walked into my assistant principal's office and somehow, once again, the topic of counseling came up.  It just so happens that his daughter is in the program at UNO (University of Nebraska-Omaha) and is teaching at the same time.  He called her up and we talked for a good 30 minutes about the program.  A day later, I received an email from a professor there saying that he had heard about me from one of his students and would love me to start the program at UNO.  Since then, I've been studying for the GRE that I'll hopefully take before Christmas and begin grad. school by next summer (the tentative goal).  I know this was a drawn out way to explain that I am beginning my pursuit of a counseling degree, but I felt the need to share how I felt God tugging at my heart and how although I gave resistance, He continually pulls through.  

Blessings

Never in my life have I absorbed so much beauty as I did when I drove through the West and back on my journey to Seattle.  After soaking in the indescribable scenery, I feared the blandness of Nebraska and Iowa.  Not only do you often live amongst beauty and not recognize it, but when you are able to see such extravagant landscape elsewhere...you tend to depreciate what you come back to.  That was what I was dragging my feet about.  But this week, this week I have been blessed to have my eyes widely opened to what surrounds me.  I drove my sister, brother-in-law, and niece to the airport at 4:30am on Monday. Yes, you can imagine I wasn't the most joyful person at that time--especially without my coffee.  When I drove back, I was able to enjoy the sunrise in its entirety.  Even in the insipid land of Nebraska, it was gorgeous.  In that moment, I was actually refreshed and motivated.  Don't get me wrong, this is a rare occurrence for me to be motivated before 6am but it was because of the surprise and ultimate sight I absorbed.  Anyway, tonight I am enjoying the sunset from the window of our town's new coffee shop.  Again I was reminded how quickly I undermine the value of where I live.  Thank the Lord for his grace filled reminders.

Another way I have been blessed was by our family reunion that took place in early July.  To have a family in which our common strand is our faith in Christ is incredible...often unheard of.  It's something that I recognized, but never thought much about until I was encircled by all 50 of my family members and saw that love of Christ echo throughout our time spent together.  As a family, we got together on that Sunday morning and had a time of worship, scripture reading, reflection, sharing, and prayer.  So many memories and stories were represented in that small group of people, yet the focus remained on how God is working and how He is going to continue to work in our lives.  There has been incredible loss, new births, burdens, setbacks, marriages, failures, and successes all entwined in our family.  We are far from perfect, but that is what continually brings us back to reliance on Christ.  To see that modeled in so many people that have influenced and continue to influence my life is encouraging and uplifting.  

To continue on with the subject of blessings...I will be moving into a house with 2 other girls in about 1 1/2 weeks.  These friendships are ones that I cherish and look forward to the impression they leave on my life.  Community is something I have deeply missed the past year of my life and can hardly wait until I have their accountability, advice, and conversation as a constant part of my day.  Although moving seems a bit of a chore and undoable task at the moment, the end result is what is pushing me through.

For me to document and share these blessings of my life with you is not to be prideful or produce the assumption of a perfect life.  It's to spark an area of your life that may be a blessing you have never recognized or shoved into a shadow of your mind. To share this is more so to remind me in my days of defeat or failure of the blessings that are evident in my life.   

Hello, Nebraska

As you probably assumed, our trip finally came to an end on Saturday evening.  The last leg of our trip driving through Nebraska was spent with no air conditioning; however, we survived it with good spirits and everything!  

Our time in Denver, Colorado was refreshing to be around old friends and a new city!  I must say, I think I fell more in love with Denver than I did Seattle.  It may have been the people, though.  Haley and I got an early start on Saturday and took our time as we made our final trek across Nebraska.  We even got the opportunity to do a quick drive through Giltner, NE where my grandpa and possibly more of his siblings were born.  Once arriving to Blair, saying goodbye was almost awkward.  After spending constant time with someone for 9 days and never really leaving their sight left us with slight separation anxiety.  

All-in-all our trip left both of us refreshed spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  We are almost empowered by the dependence we have encountered with our Maker along with the independence and separation we feel from other material things.  How great it feels to come back from a vacation not exhausted and worn down!

I've enjoyed a few short days in Nebraska before I head out for a family reunion in St. Louis.  I've even managed to work a full day in my classroom on my curriculum hours for the summer.  I can't say that I'm prepared to sit in the car for another drive, but breaking it up with a night in Des Moines with my sister and niece will be all the refreshment I need :)   

Laytn, Utah

(long, deep sigh...)

We are officially exhausted.  Careless and eager to make the most of our last evening in Seattle, we stayed up way too late enjoying some conversation...making our 6:30AM departure time a bit difficult.  Needless to say, we stopped briefly for some quality Starbucks and were off after check-out and some breakfast by 7:30.  Today's drive was absolutely dreadful.  If it weren't for the beautiful backdrop we were driving into, we would have needed to take a break for a nap.  

After a short time in Oregon, we stopped at a rest stop to stretch a bit and take a quick picture with the peaks in the distance.  One problem: our legs were coated with mosquitos.  We barely got the picture off and continued to itch for the next hour of our trip.  That was our first and only experience in Oregon...I guess it can only improve in the next years.  The rest of our trip was pretty uneventful with attempting new tactics to stay energized.  Tonight we are enjoying our evening sitting out on our balcony with a scenic view of the nearby range and winding down for night.  Tomorrow we have an easy morning and an easy drive to Denver where we will meet up with Jamie (my roommate all throughout college and Haley's for one year as well) and her husband Matt.  This "easy morning" will be all too perfect for us as we are quickly fading...

...until then, goodnight:)

Final Night in Seattle, WA

Last night's endeavor to Jazz Alley was the perfect evening.  It was quite the place as we enjoyed 2 hours of entertainment provided by Melissa Morgan, an incredible jazz artist.  It was nice to get dressed up for the night and experience a piece of Seattle's nightlife.  We even got back in time to soak our sore bodies in the hot tub for a bit.

Today we took a ferry out to Bainbridge Island for the afternoon.  The ride over was quite the adventure as well.  Haley had never experienced a trip on a ferry and I only a few times on the way to Wisconsin Dells.  We chose a seat on the sun deck and watched the Seattle skyline grow faint and the shore of Bainbridge more distinct.  On the ferry, and the first part of our afternoon on the island, was the only time it has rained this trip.  We rationalized being okay with the rain because we need to experience Seattle's weather in it's entirety.  That's the other thing about this crazy city!  In a single moment we can pass by people in shorts and a t-shirt or a sundress and walking right next to them someone in a winter jacket.  We've done our best to not stick out like sore thumbs and tourists.  We've even been asked a few times for directions or suggestions on places to eat!  Who knew we wouldn't have our noses stuck in a map the whole time. :)  Back to Bainbridge...we enjoyed perusing  the streets and poking our heads in little shops along the way.  Mid-afternoon we enjoyed a cup of coffee and split a much needed slice (absolutely gigantic actually) of chocolate cake.  On the ferry ride back, Haley took a quick snooze as I read our way back to Seattle's shore.  Tonight we're going to check out a local English pub nearby our hotel and enjoy some shepherd's pie.  

Tomorrow morning we'll be off bright and early after breakfast in our hotel, and our next destination--Salt Lake City, Utah.  We only have a few days of this sweet little vacation of ours and are hoping to make the most of every bit.  Keep us in your prayers as we travel back to the beloved midwest!

Night 2 and 3 in Seattle, WA

Sorry for the absent update last night.  Haley and I crashed before I could gather up energy to dictate and inform you of our adventures.

In summary, yesterday was spent down in Pike's Place Market.  There we got a perfect latte at the 1st ever Starbucks!  Being the coffee lovers that we are, this was a definite highlight.  The rest of the afternoon was spent exploring the market--watching the fish throwers, all the different shops, and taking a picture at the famous piggy bank.  From there, we walked to Pioneer Square and explored Elliot Bay bookstore and other little boutiques and shops along the way.  On our way back, we moseyed down by the waterfront and enjoyed a brisk evening walk back toward our hotel.  Again, we took a pit stop at a coffee shop to rest our feet but also refresh our minds in reading another chapter in "Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God."  Each day this refreshes us and spurs on positive conversation more than we would have ever imagined.  

Today we took things a bit slower.  By now our bodies are SCREAMING at us to s l o w down.  We finally decided to listen a bit.  Our gradual start helped set the pace for the day.  We picked up Torri (Haley's car) from the wonderful valet boys and were off to Discovery park to overlook Puget Sound.  After emptying out our oh-so-smelly cooler that we forgot in the car, we were on our way to the lookout point.  There we spent 1 1/2 hours journaling, reading, and making conversations with the many people and children that came to enjoy the view.  After our rejuvenating morning, we were off to tackle Fremont.  Places we saw there include the Sleepless in Seattle house...or the estimated location of it at least..., Gas Works Park, Vintage Mall, second hand book stores, and of course--The Troll!  Tonight we plan to head out to a local jazz restaurant to listen to some live music and enjoy a meal out.  

I'll make sure to keep updating you as our journeys continue.  More pictures will be posted as well.  

Night 2 in Seattle, WA

To our surprise and my disappointment, we woke up bright and early this morning once again but without alarms.  We decided to spend the first part of our morning journaling, reflecting, and having devotions.  It couldn't have been a better start.  A wonderful perk to our hotel is by far the breakfast.  Luckily for us, we decided against going down in our pjs.  As the elevator doors opened, we were greeted by at least 50 people crammed into a small space attempting to get the gourmet hot breakfast of waffles, eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, oatmeal, etc. Our plan for the whole trip was to eat big (free) breakfasts, pack snacks for the afternoons, and eat our one meal out for supper. Haley is Dutch and has trained me well:)  

From breakfast we took the hotel shuttle to the Seattle Center and walked to find Mars Hill Church.  Some of you may be familiar with the pastor, Mark Driscoll.  The telecasted sermon was incredible and provoked great conversation throughout the afternoon.  We went to the downtown branch of the "mega church" and thoroughly enjoyed the community and openness we experienced.  

The rest of the afternoon was spent exploring the Seattle Center (where the needle is), along with walking along the coast a bit and in Olympic Park.  It just so happens that today was a fundraiser for Lance Armstrong's Livestrong foundation.  There were bikers who rode 45, 75, and 100 miles in support of the cause.  All around the Seattle Center were booths and live music in celebration of their finish.  Of course we enjoyed the free Starbucks Frapp. Chip ice cream, yogurt and granola, and an energy drink.  Haley and I also received some great advice on where to travel next by an older gentleman working at one of the booths.  Because of our lack of interaction with our own fathers today, we soaked in the conversation and wished him a Happy Father's day as we departed for Kerry's Park.  We were told we would have to climb a hill in order to reach this destination, but neither of us was fully prepared for the mountain that greeted us as we turned the corner.  After climbing what may be the biggest hill I've ever conquered in sandals...we realized that it was worth it.  Kerry Park overlooks the skyline of Seattle that is seen in most pictures.  We sat up there on the ledge and relished in the beauty of it.  

It's been a great experience thus far and I'm looking forward to the rest of our trip.  We've met some interesting people and seen some unique places as well.  Today we also stopped at a coffee shop, Uptown Espresso, and sat outside and read our books "Faithful Women and Their Extraordinary God."  It was incredible to sit with the sky line, sipping an Americano, and look up from the book to converse on the points that hit home for each of us.  I slipped easily into what could be depicted as my "perfect world."

Tomorrow we plan to explore Pike's Place Market and the waterfront.  Eating seafood will be a must.  The next days will include a short day hike for some time of more reflection and journaling and taking a ferry out to the islands.  

Night 1 in Seattle, WA

Driving through the West has made me want to take even more time to discover the ins and outs of our country.  We talked to my Nana and Papa on the phone during the beginning of our trip through the rest of Montana.  We were amazed at the little tid bits that would have other wise been left unknown.  I even stopped to take a picture in a town that represents an adolescent memory of my Nana's.  And for me, it was one of the best places we've driven through.  The town, Coeur d'Alene, sat on the edge of a lake and just held so much culture and history of it's own...and it was in Idaho nonetheless!

After 13 hours of driving on Interstate 90, we approached Seattle in anticipation...only to find out the exit we needed was closed.  And apparently, people in Seattle don't turn left...EVER.  So it was a little difficult to turn around.  Luckily, with our great direction and map reading skills we found our destination.  Torri (Haley's car) was safely valet parked and we were off to find our dinner by foot.  Our first observations of Seattle were that people don't like to be smiled at all that often, you can wear just about anything, skinny jeans are REALLY in (for all shapes, sizes, and genders), and who needs bathrooms--just go in any alley you can find!   

Our road trip has consisted of many pictures, conversations, music videos, etc.  I'm sure the next 4 days will hold some of the same things...thankfully, on foot this time.  Stay with us as we continue on our crazy journey! :)

Billings, Montana

Hello all!  

This is just a quick update from Billings, MT!  We made it from Nebraska this morning all the way to Billings, with the help of the Mountain time change.  Along our journey, we made a pit stop in Mitchell, South Dakota to visit the oh-so-famous Corn Palace.  Leaving with some great photo opportunities, we trekked across the majority of SD only to land ourselves in Wall, SD.  There we took another detour to visit the 80 ft. long  dinosaur and Wall Drug.  Although slightly disappointed, our legs got a much needed stretch and we continued on our travels.  Instead of taking 90 all the way, we took 212 as a more direct route.  We were excited at how easy South Dakota had been to travel across, when alas--we hit a 20 minute wait in construction.  The remainder of the trip consisted of clipping the tip of Wyoming, heading into Montana, scrapping bugs off the windshield, sitting speechless at the beauty we drove through, and singing until our voices ran dry.  Billings could not have come any sooner.  Being the packers that we have been raised to be, we had a cooler and bags filled with snacks and water to keep us content along the way.  Other than a coffee and a soda, we didn't spend a single cent on anything but gas.  When we pulled into our final destination, we discovered Del Taco and indulged in a glorious meal.  Tomorrow we will be beginning our final leg of the trip...863 miles on 90 alone.  We're pumped :) 

Keep us in your prayers!  

/Rest/ *verb—to cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength

So many definitions and so many uses.  Often we train our minds to focus on only one option of rest, when in reality it comes in such various forms.  I began my summer thinking that rest meant being able to do nothing with my days and remain content; that it should be done independently.  I’m learning, as always, my initial thoughts and expectations are coming up just shy of reality.  I’ve found rest in my running, my morning coffee and devotions, conversations, reading, and outings with friends.  Each of these things have rejuvenated me and refreshed me either spiritually, mentally, or physically.  You see, it’s not always about a complete halt in activity or movement.  Yes, I am still experiencing a cease of students in my life, but the rest (haha, oh the wonders of homonyms and parts of speech) of life does not have to stop.  Rest does not equal boredom. 

 

By this time, you all may be thinking—wow, how did she not ever catch on to that whole approach?  In my defense, I guess it just takes experiencing it.  Rest can also require counting on someone/something else to lean on or depend on for support.  This has been evident in many ways: my friends, books, my parents, my siblings, etc.  More recently, I went back to my parent’s home in Iowa for about a week.  While there I was able to spend some quality time with my great aunt and my Nana and Papa.  I was also able to get to my cousin Nate’s, baseball game, catch up with Joel, another cousin, and his wife, and actually deepen two friendships with Abby and Brittany (more family) that I’ve grown to love.  In each of these circumstances, including time within the community and other family, I found rest.  This also shows what an important role community can play in one’s life.  Whether it’s community of your town, church, home, apartment, or neighborhood, it is essential for us to have the perspective and influence of positive community.  It enhances our ability to relate and understand along with developing the growth of our lives spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.   

At the end of this week, I embark on my journey to Seattle, WA with my friend Haley.  We have mapped out and made plans about this trip for months.  Although the days will be crammed with driving and site seeing, I hope to feel strengthened spiritually and mentally through our conversations and encounters with others.  Within parts of each of these things, rest will be present; however, I’m not blind to the idea that exhaustion will be present at times as well J.  I look forward to sharing our journeys with you and maybe even posting some pictures as we travel.  We take off on Friday morning, bright and early, and our goal is to get to Billings, Montana.  According to trusty map quest, the route will take us 12 hours.  The following day from Billings to Seattle will be 10-11 hours.  Please keep us in your prayers as we spend our days traveling and exploring the west!  

"School’s out for the summer…"

I’m DONE!  It’s crazy to think that a week ago I had my last day with my kids.  It seems so much longer than that.  I’m pleased to not be going into too many withdrawals of hearing “Miss Mahr!” or having 25 students looking at me, demanding I challenge them (or at least not bore them to death).  Sadly, of the 7 days I have been out of school only 3 have I not entered the middle school.  My days have been spent working on the yearbook.  Many of you know this, but one of my biggest nightmares would be being forced to create a scrapbook.  It’s torture for me.  My mind just doesn’t think in the creative patterns forced upon you by the configurations of shapes, colors, clever sayings, etc.   Well, I see the yearbook as a giant scrapbook.  My eyes tell me I shouldn’t be intimidated because it’s all online and very tech-savvy.  However, my mind does not agree and still refuses to function in a creative way.  I even thought about hiring Brittany to do it for me…J

 

As for the rest of my time, I am still discovering so much about myself as I develop different relationships.  It amazes me how much being a teacher shapes my life.  It’s the topic of conversation for me, something I have a definite opinion about, determines my approach to certain subjects, and has given me confidence in speaking.  Who knew that the girl that used to change colors and mumble in front of Mr. Nesbitt’s speech class would ever say she was confident in speaking!  I have also characterized myself as a “life-long” learner.  I want to absorb as much information as possible.  My reading this summer is targeted to do just that.  I would love to hear from you what books you stand behind as ones that have changed your life.  Whether it be fiction or non-fiction, I enjoy knowing the insight you have received and that has attributed to your growth.  Although deemed a young adult book, “SPEAK” influenced my perspective on coping and surviving through trials in life.  My mom just recommended the book “Faithful Women and Their Extraordinary God.”  While Haley and I travel to Seattle, we’re going to be reading this book along with listening to sermons that have impacted our lives.  How important it is to share how God has spoken and is speaking to us! My Uncle Doug spoke on the scripture 1 Corinthians 12:9-10 a year ago this past spring.  That sermon was a pivotal point in my spiritual journey, as I’ve mentioned before.  For Mother’s Day, my mom got the sermon on CD and gave it to me as a gift.  To me, it’s like having a secondary source for my testimony and relationship with Christ.  It also is an affirmation on how so many times we go to church and walk away not getting much out of the sermon; however, I hope I always remember that there is at least one person that walked out of church feeling the way I did that Sunday—transformed and eyes wide open.

 

Dwindling Days

I currently have 7 days left of school. 7. I woke up the other day and actually said aloud: “I’m going to miss this…” Immediately my mind talked back to me—don’t let that get out to the other teachers. Eek. But it’s true. I really am going to miss the students, my fellow teachers, and having my classroom to enter ever day. I’m sure this summer I will get used to it, but thinking about giving up this group of students is still a harsh reality.

A couple weekends ago I had a girls’ weekend with my mom, sister, sister-in-law, and of course—Greta. They all piled into my one bedroom apartment in Blair, Nebraska. Saturday was filled with coffee, maternity shopping for Em, more coffee, taking turns holding Greta, and conversation. Initially, I had a slight identity crisis. The women, whom I spend time with all separately and away from my home in Blair, were all here in a place I’m normally alone. I’ve enjoyed living by myself and being independent, but that has often led to a lot of time alone and becoming comfortable with that. Having people come into that environment was difficult for me. I was torn between being the young, dependent of the family and being the independent, working woman (that may be a stretch…) that I’ve adapted too. I quickly realized that it shouldn’t be an issue. I was surrounded by the women I was striving to model. I can’t say enough what great role models God has given me in my life. On Saturday night we sat around and did pedicures, watched a movie, and enjoyed each other’s company. We are all at such different stages of life: a new mother, a grandmother, one new being on their own, and a soon-to-be mother. Even with these different phases, it was a blessing to share in the joys, struggles, and triumphs we have been dealt this year. I miss them already.

At my journey group (aka Bible study) a few weeks ago we were challenged to pin point a specific issue of struggle in our life and search out scriptures that refute, give hope, encourage, etc that particular issue. This past year, I have realized (mostly in jest) that I am a very anxious person. Anxious about being late, people, situations…anything and everything. Examples: If I were going to be any more than 2 minutes late for a class in college, I probably wouldn’t go. Or if I am not going to be 20 min early for something, I feel late. I am also very anxious when friend groups collide or in new small group settings. I get anxious about making sure I spend ample time with everyone. Naturally, I’m just a very nervous person. Now that you all realize I’m secretly crazy, I’ll move on. My hope in approaching this challenge of finding verses was that God would provide a new scripture that would be poetic and profound. How great it is that God chose to speak to me differently. 1 Peter 5:6-7 says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s might hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” The part that stuck out most to me was “in due time.” Under his constant hand, I am protected. That does not mean I will not face struggles and hardships…but in due time…in His time he will lift me up. How simple, too, is the idea of Him caring for me. Why wouldn’t I cast my cares on Him? Brandon Heath has a song that says, “You took your life and gave me yours/there’s no reason why/ I shouldn’t trust you with mine.” Completely addressing the idea of surrender and our lack of trust, which enable our anxieties. The other passage I was led to was Philippians 4:4-7 which says, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I think I learned this verse early on in Awanas or quite possibly my early Sunday school years. It speaks volumes to my life though. “Let my gentleness be evident to all…” not just my star students, not just my friends, but to the ones that struggle, the ones that get under my skin. Another thing that I’ve been finding is how God never leaves us stranded without a promise. In these verses, it’s His peace that will be present when we let go of our anxieties and give everything in prayer to Him. After being refreshed with this perspective, I took the time I had with my students scattered around my room and slowly walked by each of them. As I passed, I prayed for each of them in a different way. Some I prayed for upcoming quizzes, others for their home situation, for friendships, etc. The true peace it gave me for each student helped me with my frustration with some of them and helped calm my spirit.

The Countdown Begins:

This week marks the halfway point for the 4th quarter. When I head that, I tried to look back on this past year and figure out what I did and how in the world it went so fast. I’ve been living in one of those moments…you know, the one where you feel like time flew by, yet when you try to think back to the beginning it seems forever ago? Which, in reality, makes no sense. My kids are quick to tell me that time is constant and never changing. Now how is it possible they can be that profound but can’t tell me what a noun is? ☺ I have been blessed with a great class to start with. They have been patient with me, challenging, and so very helpful. I know almost every teacher will tell you that the first year is unbearably difficult, but rarely do they explain why. Frustrated with this assumption as I began my year, I now understand. It’s more than the students and the classroom planning. It’s developing the appropriate relationships with fellow teachers, getting all the administrative tasks complete (technology hours, professional growth hours, mentoring program, team minutes, cross team minutes, HAL program, etc), keeping up with absent students, etc. It’s not the teaching that was hard. With fighting to not become calloused or get sucked into the world of gossip around you, teaching and reasoning often become a blur. Although I had my moments, there were enough outside sources to keep me sane. I am so content and at peace with where I am at in Blair. There is a part of me that is sad to see my first year come to an end. I had goals to accomplish, other topics to teach, students to change, and definitely more personal growth. I’ll do my best to cram it in to the last few weeks.
One of my favorite things I was able to do this spring was at the end of my poetry unit. My sister, Mandy, gave me this idea. After having my students write their own poetry and memorize a poem of their choice, I wanted to have a day to celebrate—and learn at the same time of course. To do this, I had a “coffee shop” set up in my room. I had hot chocolate and cookies with the desks arranged like little tables. The students then had to come with a poem to share—whether they read or recited it. To my surprise, almost all of my students shared a poem they had written AND decided to memorize. They were proud of what they wrote, and their courage and talent amazed me.
This summer holds some exciting adventures that make it hard not for me to wish this last half-quarter by. I am doing my best to keep my life in perspective and realize that this year ending means letting these students go. That’s a heartache that on the surface seems almost refreshing, but will be difficult in time.
The first few weeks of the summer I will be consumed finishing and producing the middle school yearbook…or the remains of it at least. After that, the first week of June I will be entering my first graduate class. The following week I have a few days of conferences to attend with the Language Arts team at my school. My most exciting trip this summer will be the one I take with my friend, Haley. We are scheduled to take a road trip to Seattle, Washington. Our list of things to do and see is endless, some of which include the needle, the parks, museums, running a half marathon (!), hiking, etc. We have planned out each day and traveling schedule. I look forward to updating you all on that when the time comes.
My month of July is dedicated to spending time with my family—especially my niece, Greta, and my unborn niece/nephew. I’m excited for the changes happening in my family once again this year. They’re keeping me on my toes and have enjoyed the additions to the family in the past 2-3 years.
But before the summer even begins, I am currently enjoying my last break at home surrounded by family that lives near-by. This Easter Abby, Brittany, and I have been able to enjoy some quality bonding time. I like to think of them (along with Corrie and Janie ☺ ) as my “little sisters.” Hearing about their time at college has blessed my life this break. It’s brought me closer to them than I ever have before. We also had the blessing of extended family over for Easter dinner. A family in our church, with their 4 young kids, joined us after lunch. When the meal was over, the kids and some adults went outside to play wiffle-ball in the backyard. It was almost sad for Abby and I as we watched the kids play and realized how not so long ago we were out there running wild. This led to the endless reminiscing of driveway roller-hockey games, baseball in the back yard, putting on plays/concerts, etc. My how times have changed…

Back Work

I feel like I have some catching up to do. At school, we call missing assignments “back work.” That’s what we’ll call this I guess. When I made my decision to move to Blair and teach in their community, I was overwhelmed with the ideas of uprooting from anything familiar, moving to the state of Nebraska (still shocked on that one), having a career, beginning teaching, leaving college, living on my own, etc. I couldn’t focus enough for any of these things to sink in. I spent two weeks with my dad “touring” the Chicagoland, our home away from home, together. We were able to do some work on my grandparents’ home, visit old friends, spend an afternoon reuniting with family, and of course our total of 16 hours in a car together. Needless to say, this trip changed my life. I had conversations that allowed me to understand forgiveness, grace, and love and take a step forward in each. I can’t imagine a better way to step into a new stage of life than how I was able to.

After that refreshing two weeks, I opened the door to my new journey. As it shut behind me, it hit me—HARD. My first two weeks of school were combined with volleyball practice before school from 5:30-7:30 and after school from 3:45-6:15. When games started, I would have my freshmen girls practice before school and then attend the varsity games after school. These nights I usually didn’t get back until 11:30pm and still had grading or lesson plans to complete. When November hit and the end of the season approached, I was exhausted. I found myself getting frustrated with my students by 9:00am. Where was my joy? My patience? It wasn’t even their fault! My superficial view of what I would be like as a teacher was severely tainted and discouraging. Last fall is still a blur to me. However, I took the opportunity and freedom of November and December and ran with it. I enjoyed my classroom and my students. I invested in their lives and how they were changing with me as well. They kept me honest, always blunt with their words. Realizing their need for attention, I experimented with ways to quench that need. I found that although their grammar may not always be correct or their ideas organized, their journals are honest and true to who they are. I take advantage of the fact they forget I get to read what they write in their notebooks that appear sitting unopened in the back of my room. Regardless, I am fascinated at their honesty and vulnerability. I have countless stories, both entertaining and humbling:

While teaching about gender specific pronouns, one student reminded me that they were “adults” and could handle me saying the real word. I had no idea what he was talking about and asked him to explain. He repeated, “Miss Mahr, we’re all adults here. Just say it.” Still confused, I said that if we’re all adults he should just say it. With a sigh he continued, “You know, S-E-X.” He assumed I was talking about sex pronouns. Sadly we went into a discussion how gender and sex can’t always be interchanged.

I had my students do a different type of journal the other day. They usually have a writing prompt of some kind and have to write 15 lines over it. This time, they had to make a list. The list consisted of writing “I am…” or “I am not…” Some examples I gave were “I am not country…I am rock and roll.” I wanted them to use nouns, not adjectives to describe themselves. Not knowing what I would get but not wanting to over-give instruction, I let them go to it. At the end of the day, I sat down and read through what they wrote. I was amazed:

I am fear.
I am courage.
I am tears.
I am not pain.
I am not anger.
I am the scar, not the wound.
I am joy.
I am peace.


Those are rewarding and humorous stories that keep me entering the classroom with an optimistic attitude every day. I’ve learned that patience is the most important thing I can bring into my room. I have no idea what my students face before and after school. Recently I have been exposed to situations that are going on in some of my students’ lives. My heart aches for them. The perspective was needed in this area. My job got away from me. For a brief moment I stopped caring and allowed myself to get angry and bitter at my students. God graciously opened my eyes to their circumstances and the opportunity I have to change their environment for the 43 minutes I have them every day. My hope is that my room will become a safe haven for them. In November I took a “sick day.” I know, I know…in my defense—I admitted to my need for a mental health day and not that I was literally sick. The following is an excerpt of that day:
November 4th

Today I took my first sick day as a teacher. I wasn’t sick. I was emotionally drained. Mentally lost. I speak of my enjoyment of life more than actually enjoying it. I have lived in Blair, alone, for 3 months. I have job, money, friends, a church, etc. I am happy. But I feel I control that happiness. Entering my classroom I felt myself get grumpy immediately. That is where I want to be the happiest. I want to spread my joy and for it to be enriched in the classroom. Instead, I let incomplete assignments, disrespectful comments, and plain exhaustion get in my way. Today was my sick day to figure that out. I control my happiness, my joy, my anger, my disappointment, who I am. My actions reflect my character. These people have nothing to look back to and excuse my behavior. How I act is who I am. I make choices and these choices echo through my past, present, and future. If I lived as much in Christ as I keep wishing I did, my life would be full of endless joy. I pray I begin to soon. My joy and peace is found in the hope and ream of who I could be as a fully surrendered and satisfied woman of God. My mom inspires me each day. Each day I talk to her, I hear and feel her joy and satisfaction in Christ. Dare I say I hope to be like my mother some day? Her confidence and assurance assures me. It motivates me. I love her. I love her commitment, her drive, her love. Maybe someday soon, all these people, books, movies, and songs will not only inspire me, but create such a conviction within me that I have no choice but to change.

Reasoning...

My sister, Mandy, set high expectations for me as I entered the world of teaching. Through her monthly, and often weekly, updates of her life we felt as though we walked into her classroom with her every day. As my first year is drawing to an end, I see how I have allowed that goal to go unaccomplished. This is my feeble attempt at keeping you updated on my life and trials in Blair, Nebraska and the surrounding areas.

You must know that the title "speak" comes from my favorite teen novel Speak in which a young girl struggles to find her voice: "It is easier not to say anything. Shut your trap, button your lip, can it. All that crap you hear on TV about communication and expressing feelings is a lie. Nobody really wants to hear what you have to say" (Speak pg. 9). Through her journey, she comes to fully understand the necessity of speaking and sharing her thoughts. This is something that I press upon my students on a daily basis. I will attempt to take my own advice and share my voice through "speak."